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Pet Peeves of a Music Snob

I don't like to call myself a 'music snob', but sometimes it's hard to deny that I act like one at times. As such, there are many things you can say or assume about music that will make me never want to hang out with you again. Here are the top five:

5. When you hear "Dream On", the first thing that comes to mind is "Sing for the Moment".

4. You don't connect the beginning of "Gold Digger" with "I Got A Woman"

3. You hear "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" and get confused when Kanye West never starts rapping.

2. You identify "How Soon Is Now" as the Charmed theme song.

1. You identify this bassline with "Ice Ice Baby".

5 Films Where Everyone Dies

In some films, the script calls for a single person from the main cast to survive whatever monster/flood/earthquake/other person is harrowing them. Some films allow two to survive. Then there are those very few movies where fucking no one survives. In the survival horror genre, that's a pretty ballsy move. In any other genre, it's essentially box office suicide. Still, there are a select few films that laugh in the face of tradition and sadistically pick off the entire cast. This is a list of the 5 most awesomely sadistic full cast genocides. If you haven't figured it out yet, this list is 90% spoilers.

5. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Zack Snyder may not have had the balls to create the original film's intended and never recorded ending (At the ending scene where the helicopter is ready to take off, Romero's original script ended with Peter shooting himself in the head as the zombies approached, at which point Fran would follow suit and shove her own head into the fucking helicopter blades), at least he found it in his heart to kill everyone somehow. Running from a horde of zombies, a few humans finally reach a boat, and the movies ends with them escaping from the shore. Somewhat happy end, right?

Wrong.

Why? The closing credits show footage from a camcorder found on the boat of the group docking on another shore, only to be attacked by more zombies. While the footage does not show anyone actually dying, even if they got back in the boat at all, they'd probably die of starvation or run into more zombies.

4. Cloverfield (2008)

While Cloverfield was intensely overhyped and did not live up to everyone's expectations, it at least was able to earn a place in history as a super-sadistic monster flick. Sure, a good amount of movies think it's freaky enough to annihilate New York City.

See: Escape from New York, Godzilla (1998), The Day After Tomorrow

J.J. Abrams asks "What if all of New York City is destroyed and the couple who finally realize they love each other?" Cloverfield ends with the two survivors huddled under a bridge freaking out in an all-too-real manner. They hold each other close, and BOOM. The bridge collapses and the movie ends. That's it. Oh, and earlier a chick explodes and it's really awesome. So yeah.

3. The Mist (2007)

I kind of cheated a bit on this one, since one person technically survives. He physically survives, but if this guy does not at least spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital over the shit he pulled, then he is one sick dude.

Let me explain.

You see, the movie's final scene consists of the survivors of this "mist" driving away in a car. Eventually, they run out of gas, and the four adults in the car accept their fate as the little boy, Billy, sleeps. David, the boys father, takes the gun they have to shoot the others, protecting them from a brutal and creature-induced death. The other adults allow him to shoot them, and then this guy shoots his own fucking son while he's sleeping. He then hysterically runs out of the car, only to find the military fully armed and ready to rescue his entire group. Tough luck, dude.

2. The Descent (2005)

If you write a script around a character who recently lost her husband and daughter in a car accident, wouldn't you write it about how she struggles in everyday life and eventually finds love in an unlikely hero or something fluffy like that? Not Neil Marshall. He sent that poor woman spelunking in a horrifying cave filled with freaky-mutant-people things.

Nice guy.

As if this movie wasn't 'Holy-fucking-shit-I'm-never-sleeping-again' scary enough, they had to make the ending just as batshit crazy as the rest. Naomie Harris doesn't wave down a military jet. Jena Malone doesn't escape the ruins. Kate Winslet sure as hell doesn't float to safety on some wood. This movie ends with the leading lady sitting in the cave where all her friends recently died, hallucinating that her dead daughter is eating cake with her. Guess what's really happening? The freaky-mutant-people things are getting ready to fucking eat her.

1. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Invasion of the Bodysnatchers wins top honors on this list. No contest. Why? Well, not just the main cast dies in this one.

Everyone in the fucking world dies.

They don't even die in any sort of normal way. Their soul dies. As they get cloned by horrible space plants, their bodies disintegrate and they are replaced by these identical replicas. They're mindless, emotionless, and heartless, and the people who haven't been taken over can't tell who's who. You could always save someone in the cloning process if you find them quick enough. A lot of people try that. But if they ever, ever fall asleep again, those bastard space plants will start cloning them all over again no matter where they are. The movie ends on Donald Sutherland walking down the street. Since the survivors learned to trick the clones, it seems as though he's perfectly fine. One of the last humans left sees him and excitedly calls to him. He turns to her and lets out a horrifying, inhuman screech, and the movie fades to black as you stare at the distressed face of the last human about to be snatched.

Think About This

If someone tells you that they're not a pathological liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

Tea Parties

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
- George Santayana

Yesterday, thousands of people gathered to protest tax increases. These people bought millions of teabags and sent them to congressmen throughout the nation in protest of tax hikes, attempting to revive the idea of the Boston Tea Party. Being that this is America, you can do whatever the hell you want when it comes to protest, so these guys were legally protected. I came across a few problems, though, while watching videos of this event unfolding and playing spot-the-guy-who-isn't-white...

First, a minor problem: One of the major points they were protesting was the excess in spending. To protest this, they bought up all the tea they possibly could and wasted it. That's not fucking helping.

And now the major problem: As you can see, George Santayana had a pretty basic and very true idea set up with that quote up at the top. Apparently, this group of old, rich conservatives have never heard that quote. They also seem to have never really learned what the Boston Tea Party was.

Here's a history lesson.

Once upon a time, American colonists were being taxed without representation in the British government. It was getting pretty tense between the colonies and the motherland when England passed the Tea Act of 1773, which raised taxes on imported British tea to extreme levels, effectively pissing everyone in the colonies off. You see, the colonists were still Englishmen, and as such would go bat-shit crazy without getting their daily fix of tea. So eventually, the colonists decided to resist this act, preventing three ships from the East India Tea Company to dock and force their overpriced tea on America. After the ships refused to leave, colonists sneaked on board and dumped all the tea into the Boston Harbor in protest.

So let's compare these two Tea Parties by asking some simple questions and see if these conservatives did a good job emulating the original one.

What are you mad about?

1773: We're being unfairly taxed without any form of representation in the government that's taxing us. Not only that, but they're hiking taxes on specific items that they know we need and want.

2009: We're being taxed a little more than usual. Also, we're mad that the government is throwing money at a problem that isn't being fixed.

How are you going about solving this problem?

1773: We refuse the tea, and eventually throw it into the harbor, which becomes a catalyst for the Revolutionary War.

2009: We buy huge amounts of tea, send it around, and complain in large groups.

So, 2009 conservatives, are you being represented in the government that's taxing you?

2009: Yes, but our reform ideas are not getting passed. That's the first sign of a dictatorship.

But... You are in the minority, and putting up with being a minority is sort of part of Democracy and the opposite of totalitarianism, right?

2009: Well that still doesn't solve our problem.


That right there is the response I get from most conservatives when talking about this issue. But what is their problem, anyway? Are you going to completely sympathize with them when you hear their sad, sad story? No. Chances are you're probably not. Right off the bat, I'll tell you that the people complaining are the people making more than a quarter million dollars per year. Sympathizing yet? Me either. What if I told you that these people complaining do not even know what Obama's tax plan will do to them? In actuality, these quarter millionaires will have to pay around ten bucks less a year.

What about the poor people who make 600 thousand to 2.5 million per year? How will they ever survive with a nine percent tax increase? Maybe they'll just have to make do with the massive amount of money they have left. They can complain all they want, but I don't think anyone is about to call Robin Hood to help them.

The deal is that if taxes do not increase, the deficit goes up. We need to increase taxes to help the economy right now, and the best place to increase taxes is in the rich part of our nation since they already have so much money anyway. It's been my experience that the only people I've come across who disagree with this approach are the rich, and that's just extremely selfish.

My family consists of two people: My mom and I. We have two dogs, we're losing our house, and we make barely enough money to get by. For eight years I had to sit under the Bush administration and watch the rich thrive while my life, and millions of other hardworking lower-middle class people's lives, fell apart. These rich protesters need to get off their high horses, step back, and consider what might be good for the majority of the country. They claim to be the most patriotic fuckers out there, drinking American beer and vomiting red, white, and blue, but the second that someone suggests we take some of their endless amounts of money for the greater good, they decide they must rebel against the government.

This whole economic debacle is bigger than your income. It's bigger than tea parties. It's bigger than America. So please, if you were one of those supporting this tea party take a moment to consider the other side of the argument.

13 Awesome Songs About Suicide

Since I'm in a melancholy mood today, here's some really good songs about suicide. Some are about certain people, others are not.

13. Adam's Song - Blink-182
12. Sick Sad Little World - Incubus
11. Pain - Jimmy Eat World
10. Hey Man, Nice Shot - Filter
9. You Know You're Right - Nirvana
8. Fade to Black - Metallica
7. Nutshell - Alice in Chains
6. Jeremy - Pearl Jam
5. Today - The Smashing Pumpkins
4. The End - The Doors
3. Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
2. Eraser - Nine Inch Nails
1. Asleep - The Smiths

God Told Me To

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've never been the religious type. I've been bitter toward religion since I can remember. When I was five, I even got in a fight with a Sunday school teacher at my friend's church when he was explaining how Jesus walked on water. I stood up and told him it was impossible for anyone to walk on water, except those really cool lizards. He told me I was wrong and not to question Jesus. I called him stupid, and then I was kicked out.

I mean I believe there's a God or whatever, I just don't think he wants me to eat the "flesh" of his "son" over actually doing something productive or good. When I was nine years old, my mother made one last effort to get me excited about church.

This is the story of that day.

It started off poorly, as most Sunday church days seem to do, with my dad dragging me out of bed at six in the morning. After I groggily dressed myself in the awful monkey suit my mom had found, we drove an hour to the massive church she had picked out. It was something non-denominational, which might get you to think that the people there would be less inclined to act like blind sheep. You'd be wrong.

I was greeted with an onslaught of hugs from strangers when we got out of the car, which gave me a bad impression from the start. Hugs from churchgoers always feel so fake and awkward, as if they're only hugging you so they get +2 Jesus points that they can use in the casino in heaven or something. I'm sure a few of them really love hugging people, but come on.

We're told we're a little late, which seemed odd to me considering how many people were outside waiting to hug us. We quickly headed inside, where we found everyone in the room standing and singing, following lyrics that were being projected on the wall. The lyrics were (and I am completely serious about this):

GOD IS GOOD
I LOVE GOD
HE LOVES ME

They sang it once, and I figured Oh, we must have just caught the end of an epic gospel song. No. We caught the beginning of a mindless chant that went on for what seemed like forever, the hundreds of people robotically repeating the same three lines. My parents and I sneaked past a few robots to some empty seats and waited quietly for the mind-numbing song to end.

When it was finally over, the pastor pranced out all hopped up on morning coffee and Jesus love and wearing a kilt. After asking about how awesome God was, he paused.

"I bet you're wondering why I'm wearing this kilt," he said.

"Why?" chanted everyone.

"Well, friends, because God told me to. He came to me in a dream and said 'John, you should wear a kilt for tomorrow's sermon.' That's the amazing thing about God. He can come to you at the strangest times in the strangest ways."

"Oooooh," said the audience.

"That's bullshit," I mumbled to myself as my dad smacked my leg. I looked up at him, and a little louder said

"What? You know it's bullshit!"

This got a few people's attention, and got my mom to pretend like she didn't know me. I stood up, looked at everyone, and yelled

"You're all stupid, mindless sheep!" at the top of my lungs. I then walked out. A few minutes later, my parents came out. My dad was laughing hysterically, and my mom was trying to contain her laughter.

"What'd they say?" I asked.

"I think they think you're possessed or something," said my mom as she walked toward me.

"They want you to see a psychiatrist," said dad.

I cringed.

"Do I have to?"

My dad laughed as he patted me on the back and gave me a high-five.

"Fuck no!" he laughed, "Let's go get some ice cream."

"I hope this doesn't ruin your idea of religion," My mom said as we got in the car.

"Don't worry," I said, "it will."

And it did.