Are they supposed to be hot? Beautiful? I don't get it. You can see girl-on-right's shoulder blades. That's not sexy at all.
It's a fucking miracle of science that girl-on-left's head stays balanced, since it's got almost nothing supporting it.
Looks like their bodies absorbed their hips and boobs for nourishment a while ago, too.
Seriously, they need to eat a fucking pizza or something. Blech.
Here's songs you've probably never heard from pretty popular bands. Why haven't you heard them? I don't know. They're friggin' awesome, but most are the last track on the album or the only track that didn't get played on the radio or a track from the B-Side of an obscure rarity collection.
1. Big Ten Inch Record - Aerosmith
You'll like this one if you like more blues-y Aerosmith music.
2. A Single Second - AFI
Classic punk music, not the goth rock stuff of recent times. Like The Misfits? Try this song.
3. Top of the World - All-American Rejects
Far better than the All-American Rejects songs that recieve ridiculous amounts of radio play. Sounds like the All-American Rejects actually attempting to sound good rather than radio friendly.
4. Tomorrow Never Knows - The Beatles
John Lennon was embarrassed by this song due to it's spiritual connotations. Little did he know that he was on the verge of becoming the world's biggest hippie. Sounds like "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and a sitar having sex backwards.
5. Satan is My Motor - Cake
The already somewhat underground Cake had trouble getting this on the radio due to the title and the chorus. You may have seen it listed as "Motor." Sounds like the definition of alternative rock.
6. The WASP (Texas Radio and the Big Beat) - The Doors
Robby Kreiger's songs always got the spotlight, which is sad since Jim Morrison was a far better lyricist and poet. Sounds like awesome poetry set to bluesy music.
7. Psychopsilocybin - Incubus
Much like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Incubus was once a funk rock band before becoming Gods of alternative rock. Sounds like pre-Blood Sugar Sex Magik Red Hot Chili Peppers.
8. Let's Get it On - Jack Black
This cover of Marvin Gaye's hit can only be found on the soundtrack to the movie High Fidelity, which is a shame since it's awesome. Sounds like a more soulful version of the original, if that's even possible.
9. Cookie Jar - Jack Johnson
You'll like this if you like anything else by Jack Johnson. It's laid back and awesome.
10. Tom Cruise Crazy - Jonathan Coulton
Played Portal? Remember that awesome song at the end? That was Jonathan Coulton. This song sounds like hysterical awesomeness.
11. Angel with the Scabbed Wings - Marilyn Manson
This sounds a lot more like Skinny Puppy than other Marilyn Manson music. Except it has a discernible beat. So that's nice.
12. Washington is Next! - Megadeth
Constantly fighting with Kevin Federline and Axl Rose for the title of "World's Biggest Douchebag" isn't an easy job for Dave Mustaine, so do him a favor and check out this awesome track from the newest Megadeth album. It's reminiscent of classic 80s metal like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest.
13. Some Kinda Hate - The Misfits
I don't know why you haven't heard this song, but even if you don't like The Misfits particularly, you'll like this song if you're remotely interested in punk rock.
14. Burn - Nine Inch Nails
This song originally only appeared on the Natural Born Killers soundtrack, an Oliver Stone film that lots of crazy people love. The song's a bit heavier than mainstream Nine Inch Nails, but it's way better than anything you've probably heard.
15. And All That Could Have Been - Nine Inch Nails
You can find this song on the second disc of a live Nine Inch Nails album. In other words, you probably can't find this song. But it's friggin' incredible. Listen to it, and you'll be filled with all sorts of emotions.
16. Love Buzz - Nirvana
Why the hell haven't you checked out the pre-Nevermind Nirvana album, Bleach? It's great! Love Buzz has got one of the coolest bass riffs, too.
17. Swap Meet - Nirvana
Have you still not listened to Bleach? Go do it because every song on it is almost as awesome as "Swap Meet."
18. There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of it Yet - Panic! At the Disco
Don't write off Panic! At the Disco without hearing this song. It's like jazzy pop rock.
19. Man (Opposable Thumb) - The Presidents of the United States of America
Remember ""Peaches," that song about peaches? Well here's an equally catchy song by PUSA about thumbs.
20. Twig - The Preisdents of the United States of America
This one gets my approval for it's thoroughly awesome guitar throughout.
21. Quixoticelixer - Red Hot Chili Peppers
This bonus track from the special edition of Californication is quite possibly the most epic alt-rcok song ever.
22. Like the Angel - Rise Against
Since it was a single from their first album, which it seems no one bought, this really cool modern punk song seems to have gotten overlooked.
23. Stumbleine - The Smashing Pumpkins
This quiet little acoustic number from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness should definitely not be missed.
24. Asleep - The Smiths
Any hardcore Smiths fan probably has heard every track they've ever produced, but I'm guessing most haven't heard this one since it was only released on a few rarity collections. Check it out even if you don't like the Smiths, because it's amazing.
25. Under My Voodoo - Sublime
This song has kickass guitar. Enough said.
26. Roulette - System of a Down
If you're used to hearing stuff like "Bounce" or "Chop Suey" from System of a Down, this soft acoustic song may throw you off. That isn't to say you won't like it, though.
27. Swamp Song - Tool
Since you've probably heard "Stinkfist" a whole lot, you should check out this song from Tool's first full length album.
28. Ticks & Leeches - Tool
I'm going to make a bold statement and say that this song is one of the best drum songs on earth. It will make Neil Peart's head fall off. Maybe.
29. Saint Dominic's Preview - Van Morrison
This song is way better than "Brown Eyed Girl," which is probably the only song you've heard by Van Morrison. That's too bad, because he's way better than most people expect.
30. Pink Triangle - Weezer
A sweet and funny song about falling in love with a lesbian. Listen to it.
In my years of playing various instruments, I have found that nearly all instruments have one thing in common: The power of de-pantsing women.
It's an incredible phenomenon that dates back all the way to that time Beethoven got laid by the Queen of England after performing Sonata for Piano Duet in D major. (I may or may not have made this up.)
In any case, this article, if you will, will document the de-pantsing power of various instruments. The scale will go from 1 to 10, 10 being an absolute guarantee of getting some, and 1 being a very small (but still very real) chance of de-pantsification. Each instrument will be given two scores, one for when the instrument is played solo, and one for when it is played in a band setting.
Through my own research of this phenomenon, I hope to help you all in your endless pursuit of "getting some." Let us begin with the obvious de-pantsifier:
THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR
Solo analysis -
The acoustic guitar is the instrument I have had the most experience with myself, and I have seen it's powers in copious amounts in various cases. When played solo, this is the closest guarantee to absolute de-pantsification. If you can sing well enough, it raises the chance of de-pantsing to almost dangerous levels of crazy, crazy sex. This instrument is not to be taken lightly, and should not be played without taking precautions. DO NOT play acoustic guitar in front of large groups of women. This HAS NOT been tested and will probably result in the crowd finding themselves attracted to inanimate objects or squirrels. However, when used with caution, the acoustic guitar is your best bet here.
Solo Score: 9
Band Analysis -
When playing an acoustic guitar in a full band, the potency of its effects decrease significantly due to the fact that the acoustic guitarist in a full band is often outshined by his electric counterpart and often branded by women in the crowd as "Probably gay" or "That Simon & Garfunkel guy." Let's face it. If you're in a rock band playing an acoustic guitar, no one can hear it anyway. However, your presence on the stage while holding an instrument in the correct fashion will still attract women, though my studies have shown the intelligence level of said women will be significantly less than that of the women attracted to a solo acoustic guitarist.
Full Band: 6
THE ELECTRIC GUITAR
Analysis -
The electric guitar has an exactly inverse effect of the acoustic guitar in that the scores for full band power and solo power are exactly flipped. This may be because women often find the electric guitar obtrusive when played solo. However, there is no denying the fact that every woman will want to love you longtime if you are the lead guitarist in a band. Again, proceed with caution when playing the electric guitar in a full band. An independent study has shown that playing lead guitar has an immediate (and often dangerous) bra-removal effect, followed after the show by uncontrollable levels of de-pantsification.
Solo score: 6
Full band score: 9
DRUMS
Solo analysis -
Just... Don't even bother. There's nothing attractive about a guy banging on the drums by himself. Do this, and it's likely the only banging you'll be doing. One variable that slightly increases the chance of de-pantsification is if the girl is into punk rock. Then, and only then should you play drums solo with about a 70 percent success rate.
Solo score: 2
But if she's into punk rock: 7
Band analysis -
The drummer keeps the beat, has high energy, and is usually pretty sociable. That is what comes to mind when a woman sees a drummer in a band, according to a study done at a college that really exists. While the drummer in a band is not often the first choice for a woman, he is not the last either. Drums have only mild de-pantsing powers, but they are amplified when in a band.
Full band score: 6
THE BASS GUITAR
Solo analysis -
The bass guitar is the ultimate backup instrument, and should only be played solo for the purpose of de-pantsification if you can really groove. I mean really groove. I'm talking Geddy Lee and Flea's horrible monster love child grooving. If levels of grooving that high can be achieved, the power of the bass guitar becomes much higher. If you're one of those bassists that just plays the same note through every song, there is no hope for you.
Solo score: 2
If you can groove: 7
Band analysis -
If you are the bassist in a band, let's face it, you have pretty much no talent and are just trying to get laid. Well you picked the wrong instrument, buddy. Bassists on stage have the least de-pantsification power of any band member, even if there's people on stage playing weird string instruments. You lose, and there's no way around it.
Full band score: 1
THE GRAND PIANO
Solo analysis -
Above all else, playing a grand piano shows sophistication. This not only means it has great de-pantsing powers, it also means the kind of women you have power over when playing grand piano are the kind you might actually want to have a conversation with. When ready for a serious relationship, the grand piano coupled with an acoustic guitar is the way to go.
Solo score: 8
Full band analysis -
There isn't much of a place in a rock band for a grand piano. However, studies show that when you do play with a rock band, the de-pantsifying powers are extremely similar to the results when played alone. You will attract women who may actually have brains. You can decide whether that sounds good or not.
Full band score: 7
THE KEYBOARD
Analysis -
When women think of a keyboardist, thoughts of a goggle-wearing, techno crazy nerd often come to mind. This is not a good starting point. There's nothing sexy or de-pantsing about keyboards.
Solo score: 1
Full band score: 1
THE HARMONICA
Analysis -
The harmonica puts out a message to women. That message is: "Look at me. Someone hurt me and I'm expressing my sadness by blowing into this metal thing." Many women will actually find the harmonica quite attractive. However, the de-pantsing powers of a harmonica decrease significantly when in a full band, because no one likes when the lead singer stops the whole song for a harmonica solo. (I'm looking at you, Steven Tyler!) Beware, though: Playing the harmonica solo may attract beatnick chicks or girls who are obsessed with Bob Dylan.
Solo score: 6
Full band score: 1
To end this article, I find it important to reveal to you, the reader, the coup de grace, the ace in the hole of de-panstifying instrument combos.
When playing solo, if you can sing, play acoustic guitar, and harmonica, there is absolutely no way the girl you're playing for will be able to keep her pants on. To increase success rates even further, write the song about her. If you can't write songs well, lie and say you wrote "Free Falling" for her. Then you just have to make sure she never hears that song anywhere else, which should be easy enough as long as she doesn't have a time machine.
This concludes my 4 years study of the de-pantsing effects of instruments on women. I'd like to thank everyone at the university for their time and effort.
-X
Being that I'm almost 18, I felt this would be a good list to do. If you're a guy, all these movies should be seen before you're 18. If you're past 18 and you haven't seen these movies, your childhood/teenage years weren't complete. Go see them now.
Comedy
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
A Shot in the Dark (1964)
Sleeper (1973)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Young Frankenstein (1975)
Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
The Jerk (1979)
Ghostbusters (1984)
Spaceballs (1987)
Coming to America (1988)
Groundhog Day (1993)
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Liar, Liar (1997)
Men in Black (1997)
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Dogma (1999)
High Fidelity (2000)
Meet the Parents (2000)
Dude, Where's My Car? (2001)
Zoolander (2001)
About a Boy (2002)
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Bruce Almighty (2003)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Superbad (2007)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Tropic Thunder (2008)
Drama
Rear Window (1954)
Vertigo (1958)
The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
The Graduate (1967)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1972)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
The Breakfast Club (1985)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Forrest Gump (1994)
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Se7en (1995)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
American Beauty (1999)
Fight Club (1999)
Donnie Darko (2001)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Memento (2001)
Catch Me if You Can (2002)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Big Fish (2003)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
Sin City (2005)
V for Vendetta (2005)
Children of Men (2006)
The Prestige (2006)
Stranger Than Fiction (2006)
Zodiac (2007)
Action/Adventure
From Russia With Love (1963)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Back to the Future (1985)
Die Hard (1988)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Jurassic Park (1993)
Independence Day (1996)
The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
The Matrix (1999)
The Bourne Identity (2002)
Spider-Man (2002)
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Hellboy (2004)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Batman Begins (2005)
300 (2006)
3:10 to Yuma (2007)
The Dark Knight (2008)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Iron Man (2008)
Horror/Thriller
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1954)
Psycho (1960)
Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Jaws (1975)
Alien (1979)
The Shining (1980)
The Poltergeist (1982)
The Thing (1982)
Aliens (1986)
The Fly (1986)
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Red Eye (2005)
Sci-Fi
The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
The War of the Worlds (1953)
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Planet of the Apes (1968)
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Brazil (1985)
Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Animation
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
The Lion King (1994)
Toy Story (1995)
Titan A.E. (2000)
Finding Nemo (2003)
Family
The Wizard of Oz (1939)
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
This whole thing about Seth Grahame-Smith's new novel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies really opens up a whole new literary medium: Literature improved by zombies. The possibilities are damn near endless and awesome. So, without further ado, I give you literature improved by zombies; a list of popular books that could easily be improved if only zombies were involved.
To Kill a Mockingbird, and Also Zombies
Wouldn't it be something if Atticus were to go outside to shoot a rabid dog only to find endless amounts of zombies feeding on the townspeople? Chaos ensues as Atticus attempts to make his way across the city to free Tom Robinson and escape from the zombies.
Zombie Fight Club
When a zombie virus infects the city, The Narrator and Tyler Durden create an underground zombie fight club in order to keep the zombie's tempers down. But when the number of zombies overwhelms them, they lose control of the club and have to kill them all!!!!
Brave New World Full of Zombies
Without knowing that all the Savages have become zombies, Bernard takes Lenina to a savage reservation, where they become trapped by the zombie horde.
Cyrano de Bergerac vs. the Zombies
A smitten young man with a giant nose goes off to fight Spanish zombies and win the heart of Roxanne.
About a Zombie
A 36 year old bachelor living off of royalties from his father's music befriends a young zombie who teaches him about growing up and eating brains.
Zombiehouse-Five
A World War II soldier becomes unstuck in time and gets stuck in a future where everyone but him is a zombie.
The Autobiography of Zombie X
Zombie X complains for 300 pages about the evils of the living, but it turns out that the living who did bad things to zombies are mostly long gone, and Zombie X is just upset because his childhood sucked.
The Zombie of Notre Dame
Quasimodo the zombie saves Esmerelda from being executed. Esmerelda falls in love with Quasimodo, and then he eats her brain.
My mother is a very innocent and gullible person. She's probably on the level of a three year old in those areas. As much as I love my mom, I sometimes can't pass up taking advantage of her gullible nature.
A few weeks ago, I was listening to "Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis. My mom walked in to the computer room that I was in to tell me she liked that song.
I turned to her and very seriously said "Did you know this song is about herpes?"
She didn't figure out it wasn't for quite some time.
I'm not entirely sure how one starts a blog, but that little story seemed like a decent way to do so.
My name is Eric.
Online I am Xygni.
Friends call me X.
I have a band called Xygni. I also have video games and a couch, as well as some other less important things.
This is my blog, and it will have things on it. Sometimes there will be stories. Sometimes there will be lists. Sometimes there will be nothing, since the reliability of one's internet connection can vary.
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