The Effects of Instruments on Women

In my years of playing various instruments, I have found that nearly all instruments have one thing in common: The power of de-pantsing women.

It's an incredible phenomenon that dates back all the way to that time Beethoven got laid by the Queen of England after performing Sonata for Piano Duet in D major. (I may or may not have made this up.)

In any case, this article, if you will, will document the de-pantsing power of various instruments. The scale will go from 1 to 10, 10 being an absolute guarantee of getting some, and 1 being a very small (but still very real) chance of de-pantsification. Each instrument will be given two scores, one for when the instrument is played solo, and one for when it is played in a band setting.

Through my own research of this phenomenon, I hope to help you all in your endless pursuit of "getting some." Let us begin with the obvious de-pantsifier:

THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR

Solo analysis -

The acoustic guitar is the instrument I have had the most experience with myself, and I have seen it's powers in copious amounts in various cases. When played solo, this is the closest guarantee to absolute de-pantsification. If you can sing well enough, it raises the chance of de-pantsing to almost dangerous levels of crazy, crazy sex. This instrument is not to be taken lightly, and should not be played without taking precautions. DO NOT play acoustic guitar in front of large groups of women. This HAS NOT been tested and will probably result in the crowd finding themselves attracted to inanimate objects or squirrels. However, when used with caution, the acoustic guitar is your best bet here.

Solo Score: 9

Band Analysis -

When playing an acoustic guitar in a full band, the potency of its effects decrease significantly due to the fact that the acoustic guitarist in a full band is often outshined by his electric counterpart and often branded by women in the crowd as "Probably gay" or "That Simon & Garfunkel guy." Let's face it. If you're in a rock band playing an acoustic guitar, no one can hear it anyway. However, your presence on the stage while holding an instrument in the correct fashion will still attract women, though my studies have shown the intelligence level of said women will be significantly less than that of the women attracted to a solo acoustic guitarist.

Full Band: 6


THE ELECTRIC GUITAR

Analysis -

The electric guitar has an exactly inverse effect of the acoustic guitar in that the scores for full band power and solo power are exactly flipped. This may be because women often find the electric guitar obtrusive when played solo. However, there is no denying the fact that every woman will want to love you longtime if you are the lead guitarist in a band. Again, proceed with caution when playing the electric guitar in a full band. An independent study has shown that playing lead guitar has an immediate (and often dangerous) bra-removal effect, followed after the show by uncontrollable levels of de-pantsification.

Solo score: 6
Full band score: 9


DRUMS

Solo analysis -

Just... Don't even bother. There's nothing attractive about a guy banging on the drums by himself. Do this, and it's likely the only banging you'll be doing. One variable that slightly increases the chance of de-pantsification is if the girl is into punk rock. Then, and only then should you play drums solo with about a 70 percent success rate.

Solo score: 2
But if she's into punk rock: 7

Band analysis -

The drummer keeps the beat, has high energy, and is usually pretty sociable. That is what comes to mind when a woman sees a drummer in a band, according to a study done at a college that really exists. While the drummer in a band is not often the first choice for a woman, he is not the last either. Drums have only mild de-pantsing powers, but they are amplified when in a band.

Full band score: 6


THE BASS GUITAR

Solo analysis -

The bass guitar is the ultimate backup instrument, and should only be played solo for the purpose of de-pantsification if you can really groove. I mean really groove. I'm talking Geddy Lee and Flea's horrible monster love child grooving. If levels of grooving that high can be achieved, the power of the bass guitar becomes much higher. If you're one of those bassists that just plays the same note through every song, there is no hope for you.

Solo score: 2
If you can groove: 7

Band analysis -

If you are the bassist in a band, let's face it, you have pretty much no talent and are just trying to get laid. Well you picked the wrong instrument, buddy. Bassists on stage have the least de-pantsification power of any band member, even if there's people on stage playing weird string instruments. You lose, and there's no way around it.

Full band score: 1


THE GRAND PIANO

Solo analysis -

Above all else, playing a grand piano shows sophistication. This not only means it has great de-pantsing powers, it also means the kind of women you have power over when playing grand piano are the kind you might actually want to have a conversation with. When ready for a serious relationship, the grand piano coupled with an acoustic guitar is the way to go.

Solo score: 8

Full band analysis -

There isn't much of a place in a rock band for a grand piano. However, studies show that when you do play with a rock band, the de-pantsifying powers are extremely similar to the results when played alone. You will attract women who may actually have brains. You can decide whether that sounds good or not.

Full band score: 7


THE KEYBOARD

Analysis -

When women think of a keyboardist, thoughts of a goggle-wearing, techno crazy nerd often come to mind. This is not a good starting point. There's nothing sexy or de-pantsing about keyboards.

Solo score: 1
Full band score: 1

THE HARMONICA

Analysis -

The harmonica puts out a message to women. That message is: "Look at me. Someone hurt me and I'm expressing my sadness by blowing into this metal thing." Many women will actually find the harmonica quite attractive. However, the de-pantsing powers of a harmonica decrease significantly when in a full band, because no one likes when the lead singer stops the whole song for a harmonica solo. (I'm looking at you, Steven Tyler!) Beware, though: Playing the harmonica solo may attract beatnick chicks or girls who are obsessed with Bob Dylan.

Solo score: 6
Full band score: 1

To end this article, I find it important to reveal to you, the reader, the coup de grace, the ace in the hole of de-panstifying instrument combos.

When playing solo, if you can sing, play acoustic guitar, and harmonica, there is absolutely no way the girl you're playing for will be able to keep her pants on. To increase success rates even further, write the song about her. If you can't write songs well, lie and say you wrote "Free Falling" for her. Then you just have to make sure she never hears that song anywhere else, which should be easy enough as long as she doesn't have a time machine.

This concludes my 4 years study of the de-pantsing effects of instruments on women. I'd like to thank everyone at the university for their time and effort.

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