I'm probably going to turn my computer off tonight just to be safe, though I doubt this Conficker worm will actually do much of anything. After all, it is April Fools' Day.
My dream is that tomorrow everyone in the world will wake up, turn their computers on and be Rick Rolled.
If only...
More likely, it'll just make computers act like idiots or just steal personal information, but a man can dream, can't he?
This story may seem a bit cruel, but you must understand that my mother is as innocent as a 3 year old, and it's very difficult not to mess with her head for kicks sometimes.
When I was younger, I idolized Louis Stevens from that Disney show Even Stevens. I wanted to be exactly like him. Louis was of course played by Shia LaBeouf, who was just a kid at the time.
When I was about 13, my mom and I were looking through Blockbuster when she found The Battle of Shaker Heights, that Project Greenlight movie. She excitedly picked it up and showed it to me.
"Look, Eric," she said, "it's Shia-"
She paused and focused intensely on his last name.
"La... beef? Boof? Eric, how do you pronounce this?" she asked, pointing at his name.
"It's pronounced buff. LaBuff," I said, trying very hard to show how completely uninterested I was in the movie.
A few minutes later, we picked out a couple of movies and left. At home, my mom kept pronouncing his name under her breath.
"It's La-Buff, right?"
Then Eric got an idea.
Eric got an awful idea.
Eric got a wonderful, awful idea!
Knowing full well that she was pronouncing it correctly, I responded with
"No, mom, it's La-Buff."
"That's what I'm saying, isn't it?"
"Nope. You're saying La-Boof."
She looked at me a little confused.
"Am I?"
"Yep."
"La-Buff."
"No mom, it's pronounced La-Buff!"
After a few minutes of doing this back and forth, I had her completely convinced that she was hearing something different than what she was actually saying.
"This is so strange! I've never heard of this happening. I mean I swear I'm saying it differently than your hearing it!" She began to look concerned.
"You mean in your 30 years working in the Intensive Care Unit, you never saw a case of this? I read about it on the internet a while ago, but I wasn't sure if it was real."
"Are you sure it's me and not you? Maybe you're the one hearing it wrong. I'm saying LaBuff, I swear! But you're hearing La Boof!"
"Oh my God," I said in a false state of panic, "You mean I have the hearing disorder?"
My mom began to look extremely worried.
"Well don't worry, honey," she said, "we can probably get you on medication for it or something."
That's when I decided I was done.
"No I can't," I said as I got up, "You were saying his name correctly the whole time, and I can hear just fine. I just didn't want to do my homework. Thanks for wasting some time."
I then got grounded from video games for a few days. In my opinion, though, it was totally worth it.
Just to explain this, I write down random stuff I hear or think of in notebooks so i don't forget. I found this in a notebook of mine from late last year and thought it was pretty funny. My good friend Chlesea talking about my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me after 3 years of dating:
There was something Chelsea had said about Judi that I have to write down so I don't forget -
It was something along the lines of
"When you are conditioned your entire life to know you're Christian and shouldn't do bad things, you become numb when you end up doing something bad"
To which my mother, in her infinite wisdom, said
"Maybe that's why Catholic schoolgirls are little sluts"
Soon, you might just see that design up for critiquing on threadless.com. It's called "Scythe Man", and it's based on a sketch of mine which I also used for the Xygni IV album cover. If it's accepted, please tell me what you think by clicking on that thingy up there!
The phrase "I need that like I need a hole in the head" would be given a whole new meaning if said by someone with epidural hematoma.
- Peter Graves should do a movie where he plays a disembodied voice that goes on some adventure to find a diamond of great power. Because Peter Graves’ voice is so awesome that it requires no body to play a lead part in an action flick.
- I think a good name for a book would be “Old Ladies in A Car.” I don’t know what it would be about, though. I would have to think it would be about old ladies in a car, but that’s just too boring. That only works for the title.
- You know the book “Everybody Poops?” I want to write the parent’s companion to it: “Everybody Dreams of Throwing Their Kids in a Dumpster Sometimes.”
- I wanna write a science report called “The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-In-the-Moon Marigolds,” and see if anyone gets it.- I think they should make razors in the shapes of lawn mowers. It'd make shaving much more interesting.
- Everyone always wonders how someone discovered that you could milk a cow. What about the guy who discovered sex?
Hello, and welcome to The Twilight Years: A Guide to Being Old. Here you will find helpful tips to help you through those last few decades of your life. So sit back, put your can down and enjoy!
AGE 70
Let's start with Age 70, which is the perfect time to blow off your job and move to Florida! This way, your children can't send you to a home, and you get the rest of your years to spend hanging around Disney World. A few tips when looking for a retirement community: Never move into anyplace with the word "Shady" in the name. Those places are usually filled with the scum of the old people community: Those guys who retire too early and waste their lives in the fast lane. Also avoid: "Shallow Acres," "Gator Farm," and especially "Happy Town." Any place named Happy Town is hiding something.
AGE 75
Age 75 would be a good age to begin complaining that "Things just aren't how they used to be." You've reached an age where it's socially acceptable to complain about every possible thing. Some examples would be: "This Coca-Cola just isn't what it used to be," or "This dirt just doesn't taste like it used to."
AGE 80
At Age 80, it's time to take your complaining straight to the man. Write letters to companies complaining about the quality of their products. I've composed an example letter to Arm & Hammer:
"Dear Mr. Hammer,
I would like to inform you that your product quality has greatly declined since when I was a boy. Why, just the other day I was eating a stick of your deodorant, and I noticed that it was damn near tasteless! Then I read the ingredients and saw you no longer put lead in your deodorant! What blasphemy is this? If you could please forward this message to the midgets that make your products, it would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Oldman Man"
AGE 85
85 is the perfect time to find a pet to distract you from the impending darkness closing in around you. However, you shouldn't pick just any pet. Try to pick something you think you can outlive, as this will be a large morale booster. Avoid parrots, turtles, and trees because those things just don't die. A good pet to have would be a hamster. Hamsters live for about two years, so you'll have no problem outliving it.
AGE 90
You may not notice it, but 90 is the age that society deems it acceptable for old people to do whatever they want (besides homicide and necrophilia.) This is mainly because people assume that you're too old to know what you're doing. Luckily, you have maintained sanity long enough to be very aware of what you're doing, which makes being old even more fun. Begin to do weird things just to mess with people. Go to the store naked, scream things like "Potatoes!," or hit people with your cane. All these examples should produce results similar to "What a sweet old man/woman," and they will have no negative results.
AGE 95
Age 95 may not be as fun for you, but it is very important. 95 is the opportune time to make peace with God, and make up for a lifetime of mocking and neglecting religion. Start attending church again, and you'll be guaranteed a spot in heaven. Plus you can still have fun by screaming "Potatoes!" during mass.
AGE 100
Sadly, you must prepare for death at Age 100, but at least you'll be prepared! Start by planning what you'll be buried in. A few options include coffins, churches, the Staten Island Dump, or a pyramid. If you choose a pyramid, you'll need to begin construction right away. Next, choose a really awesome way to die. Examples: Dying in a shootout with a mob boss, being assassinated by the government, or drowning in a vat of pudding. Although these scenarios are tough to set up, they will definitely be worth it. Heck, you might even get some airtime on the nightly news!
AGE 105
If you are able to make it to 105, it is a widely known fact that all caution can now be thrown to the wind. The government no longer stops you from killing people, because you're just too goddamn old to matter. So if you have any enemies, you can now dispose of them in public. Here are some fun games to play after hitting 105: Drive your car through a Wal-Mart and seeing how many people you hit. Fat people are worth double points! Or you can babble incoherently at complete strangers until one of them calls the police. 100 points per person that doesn't!
So there you go! You've finally made it through your twilight years! Have a nice afterlife.
I loved Watchmen. The movie was the most faithful adaptation of anything I've ever seen, which hopefully will shut up the majority of people who have been complaining about accuracy in a movie they hadn't even seen yet. (Yes, that includes Alan Moore.) The biggest problem I had with the film was its soundtrack. The only song that really seemed to fit perfectly was "The Times They Are A-Changin'" during the opening. Other than that, most of the soundtrack was out of place and distracting. So I give you five ways I would improve it.
1. Get rid of "99 Luft Balloons". Never in my life have I heard people in a theater laugh at a song choice for a movie until that scene at the restaurant where that stupid song plays. Worst song choice ever.
2. Swap "The Sound of Silence" with something that doesn't have vocals. Dramatic scenes like that don't need Paul Simon singing about something completely irrelevant to what's going on. My suggestion: "Moonlight Sonata in C Sharp minor" by Beethoven.
Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"
3. I know "Hallelujah" is Leonard Cohen's song, but if you're going to put a version of that song over a ridiculously drawn-out sex scene, at lease make it John Cale's version. Leonard Cohen sounds too much like Barry White to me to be taken seriously during a sex scene. Also, the graphic novel ends with a quote from John Cale's "Sanities", so I think that would have fit better for a lot of reasons. Also also, The Velvet Underground is awesome.
Hallelujah - John Cale
4. Having My Chemical Romance cover a Bob Dylan song is like asking a ninth grade art stufent to repaint Starry Night. I honestly have no idea what they were thinking. They could have gotten anybody to cover "Desolation Row" and they picked a band that quite possibly has the least talent of any band currently recording. (Then again, Limp Bizkit recently said they were back together, so I might have to retract that statement if they ever produce a new album...) As for other songs that could have kicked off the end credits, I would have gone with something much darker, like The Smashing Pumpkins' "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning", which fit perfectly into the Watchmen previews.
The Beginning is the End is the Beginning - The Smashing Pumpkins
5. Switch Hendrix's version of "All Along the Watchtower" for Dylan's original version. Both versions are great, but Bob Dylan's version is much calmer and would be far less obtrusive. Jimi Hendrix's wailing guitar really got in the way of the mood as Rorschach and Nite Owl were getting out of their ship in Antarctica.
All Along the Watchtower - Bob Dylan
10 laughably stupid quotes from Rush Limbaugh:
10. "There's no such thing as an implied contract."
9. "If the owl can't adapt to the superiority of humans, screw it"
8. "The Earth's eco-system is not fragile."
7. "The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get
a liquor store and practice robberies"
6. "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. ... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."
5. "Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream."
4. “The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down”
3. "The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them."
2. "Why should Blacks be heard? They're twelve percent of the population.
Who the hell cares?"
1. "We're not sexists, we're chauvinists -- we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want."
And a bonus one that personally makes me almost as angry as the rest:
"Kurt Cobain was, ladies and gentleman, I just--he was a worthless shred of human debris..."
Andy Partridge of XTC said it best: "[Coldplay is] the musical equivalent of that corporate art you get in Holiday Inn foyers. A lot of orange stripes, over a bit of turquoise."
Listen to Clocks and Speed of Sound, and try and tell me with a straight face that they're different songs.
For that matter, listen to the drum track in 90% of their music. Then hum the piano riff from "Clocks." Isn't it funny how every song has the same tempo and the same basic drum beat? It's something like this:
Snare-Bass-Bass-Snare-Bass
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