The Twilight Years: A Guide to Being Old

Hello, and welcome to The Twilight Years: A Guide to Being Old. Here you will find helpful tips to help you through those last few decades of your life. So sit back, put your can down and enjoy!

AGE 70
Let's start with Age 70, which is the perfect time to blow off your job and move to Florida! This way, your children can't send you to a home, and you get the rest of your years to spend hanging around Disney World. A few tips when looking for a retirement community: Never move into anyplace with the word "Shady" in the name. Those places are usually filled with the scum of the old people community: Those guys who retire too early and waste their lives in the fast lane. Also avoid: "Shallow Acres," "Gator Farm," and especially "Happy Town." Any place named Happy Town is hiding something.

AGE 75
Age 75 would be a good age to begin complaining that "Things just aren't how they used to be." You've reached an age where it's socially acceptable to complain about every possible thing. Some examples would be: "This Coca-Cola just isn't what it used to be," or "This dirt just doesn't taste like it used to."

AGE 80
At Age 80, it's time to take your complaining straight to the man. Write letters to companies complaining about the quality of their products. I've composed an example letter to Arm & Hammer:
"Dear Mr. Hammer,
I would like to inform you that your product quality has greatly declined since when I was a boy. Why, just the other day I was eating a stick of your deodorant, and I noticed that it was damn near tasteless! Then I read the ingredients and saw you no longer put lead in your deodorant! What blasphemy is this? If you could please forward this message to the midgets that make your products, it would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Oldman Man"

AGE 85
85 is the perfect time to find a pet to distract you from the impending darkness closing in around you. However, you shouldn't pick just any pet. Try to pick something you think you can outlive, as this will be a large morale booster. Avoid parrots, turtles, and trees because those things just don't die. A good pet to have would be a hamster. Hamsters live for about two years, so you'll have no problem outliving it.

AGE 90
You may not notice it, but 90 is the age that society deems it acceptable for old people to do whatever they want (besides homicide and necrophilia.) This is mainly because people assume that you're too old to know what you're doing. Luckily, you have maintained sanity long enough to be very aware of what you're doing, which makes being old even more fun. Begin to do weird things just to mess with people. Go to the store naked, scream things like "Potatoes!," or hit people with your cane. All these examples should produce results similar to "What a sweet old man/woman," and they will have no negative results.

AGE 95
Age 95 may not be as fun for you, but it is very important. 95 is the opportune time to make peace with God, and make up for a lifetime of mocking and neglecting religion. Start attending church again, and you'll be guaranteed a spot in heaven. Plus you can still have fun by screaming "Potatoes!" during mass.

AGE 100
Sadly, you must prepare for death at Age 100, but at least you'll be prepared! Start by planning what you'll be buried in. A few options include coffins, churches, the Staten Island Dump, or a pyramid. If you choose a pyramid, you'll need to begin construction right away. Next, choose a really awesome way to die. Examples: Dying in a shootout with a mob boss, being assassinated by the government, or drowning in a vat of pudding. Although these scenarios are tough to set up, they will definitely be worth it. Heck, you might even get some airtime on the nightly news!

AGE 105
If you are able to make it to 105, it is a widely known fact that all caution can now be thrown to the wind. The government no longer stops you from killing people, because you're just too goddamn old to matter. So if you have any enemies, you can now dispose of them in public. Here are some fun games to play after hitting 105: Drive your car through a Wal-Mart and seeing how many people you hit. Fat people are worth double points! Or you can babble incoherently at complete strangers until one of them calls the police. 100 points per person that doesn't!

So there you go! You've finally made it through your twilight years! Have a nice afterlife.