Pet Peeves of a Music Snob

I don't like to call myself a 'music snob', but sometimes it's hard to deny that I act like one at times. As such, there are many things you can say or assume about music that will make me never want to hang out with you again. Here are the top five:

5. When you hear "Dream On", the first thing that comes to mind is "Sing for the Moment".

4. You don't connect the beginning of "Gold Digger" with "I Got A Woman"

3. You hear "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" and get confused when Kanye West never starts rapping.

2. You identify "How Soon Is Now" as the Charmed theme song.

1. You identify this bassline with "Ice Ice Baby".

5 Films Where Everyone Dies

In some films, the script calls for a single person from the main cast to survive whatever monster/flood/earthquake/other person is harrowing them. Some films allow two to survive. Then there are those very few movies where fucking no one survives. In the survival horror genre, that's a pretty ballsy move. In any other genre, it's essentially box office suicide. Still, there are a select few films that laugh in the face of tradition and sadistically pick off the entire cast. This is a list of the 5 most awesomely sadistic full cast genocides. If you haven't figured it out yet, this list is 90% spoilers.

5. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Zack Snyder may not have had the balls to create the original film's intended and never recorded ending (At the ending scene where the helicopter is ready to take off, Romero's original script ended with Peter shooting himself in the head as the zombies approached, at which point Fran would follow suit and shove her own head into the fucking helicopter blades), at least he found it in his heart to kill everyone somehow. Running from a horde of zombies, a few humans finally reach a boat, and the movies ends with them escaping from the shore. Somewhat happy end, right?

Wrong.

Why? The closing credits show footage from a camcorder found on the boat of the group docking on another shore, only to be attacked by more zombies. While the footage does not show anyone actually dying, even if they got back in the boat at all, they'd probably die of starvation or run into more zombies.

4. Cloverfield (2008)

While Cloverfield was intensely overhyped and did not live up to everyone's expectations, it at least was able to earn a place in history as a super-sadistic monster flick. Sure, a good amount of movies think it's freaky enough to annihilate New York City.

See: Escape from New York, Godzilla (1998), The Day After Tomorrow

J.J. Abrams asks "What if all of New York City is destroyed and the couple who finally realize they love each other?" Cloverfield ends with the two survivors huddled under a bridge freaking out in an all-too-real manner. They hold each other close, and BOOM. The bridge collapses and the movie ends. That's it. Oh, and earlier a chick explodes and it's really awesome. So yeah.

3. The Mist (2007)

I kind of cheated a bit on this one, since one person technically survives. He physically survives, but if this guy does not at least spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital over the shit he pulled, then he is one sick dude.

Let me explain.

You see, the movie's final scene consists of the survivors of this "mist" driving away in a car. Eventually, they run out of gas, and the four adults in the car accept their fate as the little boy, Billy, sleeps. David, the boys father, takes the gun they have to shoot the others, protecting them from a brutal and creature-induced death. The other adults allow him to shoot them, and then this guy shoots his own fucking son while he's sleeping. He then hysterically runs out of the car, only to find the military fully armed and ready to rescue his entire group. Tough luck, dude.

2. The Descent (2005)

If you write a script around a character who recently lost her husband and daughter in a car accident, wouldn't you write it about how she struggles in everyday life and eventually finds love in an unlikely hero or something fluffy like that? Not Neil Marshall. He sent that poor woman spelunking in a horrifying cave filled with freaky-mutant-people things.

Nice guy.

As if this movie wasn't 'Holy-fucking-shit-I'm-never-sleeping-again' scary enough, they had to make the ending just as batshit crazy as the rest. Naomie Harris doesn't wave down a military jet. Jena Malone doesn't escape the ruins. Kate Winslet sure as hell doesn't float to safety on some wood. This movie ends with the leading lady sitting in the cave where all her friends recently died, hallucinating that her dead daughter is eating cake with her. Guess what's really happening? The freaky-mutant-people things are getting ready to fucking eat her.

1. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Invasion of the Bodysnatchers wins top honors on this list. No contest. Why? Well, not just the main cast dies in this one.

Everyone in the fucking world dies.

They don't even die in any sort of normal way. Their soul dies. As they get cloned by horrible space plants, their bodies disintegrate and they are replaced by these identical replicas. They're mindless, emotionless, and heartless, and the people who haven't been taken over can't tell who's who. You could always save someone in the cloning process if you find them quick enough. A lot of people try that. But if they ever, ever fall asleep again, those bastard space plants will start cloning them all over again no matter where they are. The movie ends on Donald Sutherland walking down the street. Since the survivors learned to trick the clones, it seems as though he's perfectly fine. One of the last humans left sees him and excitedly calls to him. He turns to her and lets out a horrifying, inhuman screech, and the movie fades to black as you stare at the distressed face of the last human about to be snatched.

Think About This

If someone tells you that they're not a pathological liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

Tea Parties

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
- George Santayana

Yesterday, thousands of people gathered to protest tax increases. These people bought millions of teabags and sent them to congressmen throughout the nation in protest of tax hikes, attempting to revive the idea of the Boston Tea Party. Being that this is America, you can do whatever the hell you want when it comes to protest, so these guys were legally protected. I came across a few problems, though, while watching videos of this event unfolding and playing spot-the-guy-who-isn't-white...

First, a minor problem: One of the major points they were protesting was the excess in spending. To protest this, they bought up all the tea they possibly could and wasted it. That's not fucking helping.

And now the major problem: As you can see, George Santayana had a pretty basic and very true idea set up with that quote up at the top. Apparently, this group of old, rich conservatives have never heard that quote. They also seem to have never really learned what the Boston Tea Party was.

Here's a history lesson.

Once upon a time, American colonists were being taxed without representation in the British government. It was getting pretty tense between the colonies and the motherland when England passed the Tea Act of 1773, which raised taxes on imported British tea to extreme levels, effectively pissing everyone in the colonies off. You see, the colonists were still Englishmen, and as such would go bat-shit crazy without getting their daily fix of tea. So eventually, the colonists decided to resist this act, preventing three ships from the East India Tea Company to dock and force their overpriced tea on America. After the ships refused to leave, colonists sneaked on board and dumped all the tea into the Boston Harbor in protest.

So let's compare these two Tea Parties by asking some simple questions and see if these conservatives did a good job emulating the original one.

What are you mad about?

1773: We're being unfairly taxed without any form of representation in the government that's taxing us. Not only that, but they're hiking taxes on specific items that they know we need and want.

2009: We're being taxed a little more than usual. Also, we're mad that the government is throwing money at a problem that isn't being fixed.

How are you going about solving this problem?

1773: We refuse the tea, and eventually throw it into the harbor, which becomes a catalyst for the Revolutionary War.

2009: We buy huge amounts of tea, send it around, and complain in large groups.

So, 2009 conservatives, are you being represented in the government that's taxing you?

2009: Yes, but our reform ideas are not getting passed. That's the first sign of a dictatorship.

But... You are in the minority, and putting up with being a minority is sort of part of Democracy and the opposite of totalitarianism, right?

2009: Well that still doesn't solve our problem.


That right there is the response I get from most conservatives when talking about this issue. But what is their problem, anyway? Are you going to completely sympathize with them when you hear their sad, sad story? No. Chances are you're probably not. Right off the bat, I'll tell you that the people complaining are the people making more than a quarter million dollars per year. Sympathizing yet? Me either. What if I told you that these people complaining do not even know what Obama's tax plan will do to them? In actuality, these quarter millionaires will have to pay around ten bucks less a year.

What about the poor people who make 600 thousand to 2.5 million per year? How will they ever survive with a nine percent tax increase? Maybe they'll just have to make do with the massive amount of money they have left. They can complain all they want, but I don't think anyone is about to call Robin Hood to help them.

The deal is that if taxes do not increase, the deficit goes up. We need to increase taxes to help the economy right now, and the best place to increase taxes is in the rich part of our nation since they already have so much money anyway. It's been my experience that the only people I've come across who disagree with this approach are the rich, and that's just extremely selfish.

My family consists of two people: My mom and I. We have two dogs, we're losing our house, and we make barely enough money to get by. For eight years I had to sit under the Bush administration and watch the rich thrive while my life, and millions of other hardworking lower-middle class people's lives, fell apart. These rich protesters need to get off their high horses, step back, and consider what might be good for the majority of the country. They claim to be the most patriotic fuckers out there, drinking American beer and vomiting red, white, and blue, but the second that someone suggests we take some of their endless amounts of money for the greater good, they decide they must rebel against the government.

This whole economic debacle is bigger than your income. It's bigger than tea parties. It's bigger than America. So please, if you were one of those supporting this tea party take a moment to consider the other side of the argument.

13 Awesome Songs About Suicide

Since I'm in a melancholy mood today, here's some really good songs about suicide. Some are about certain people, others are not.

13. Adam's Song - Blink-182
12. Sick Sad Little World - Incubus
11. Pain - Jimmy Eat World
10. Hey Man, Nice Shot - Filter
9. You Know You're Right - Nirvana
8. Fade to Black - Metallica
7. Nutshell - Alice in Chains
6. Jeremy - Pearl Jam
5. Today - The Smashing Pumpkins
4. The End - The Doors
3. Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
2. Eraser - Nine Inch Nails
1. Asleep - The Smiths

God Told Me To

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've never been the religious type. I've been bitter toward religion since I can remember. When I was five, I even got in a fight with a Sunday school teacher at my friend's church when he was explaining how Jesus walked on water. I stood up and told him it was impossible for anyone to walk on water, except those really cool lizards. He told me I was wrong and not to question Jesus. I called him stupid, and then I was kicked out.

I mean I believe there's a God or whatever, I just don't think he wants me to eat the "flesh" of his "son" over actually doing something productive or good. When I was nine years old, my mother made one last effort to get me excited about church.

This is the story of that day.

It started off poorly, as most Sunday church days seem to do, with my dad dragging me out of bed at six in the morning. After I groggily dressed myself in the awful monkey suit my mom had found, we drove an hour to the massive church she had picked out. It was something non-denominational, which might get you to think that the people there would be less inclined to act like blind sheep. You'd be wrong.

I was greeted with an onslaught of hugs from strangers when we got out of the car, which gave me a bad impression from the start. Hugs from churchgoers always feel so fake and awkward, as if they're only hugging you so they get +2 Jesus points that they can use in the casino in heaven or something. I'm sure a few of them really love hugging people, but come on.

We're told we're a little late, which seemed odd to me considering how many people were outside waiting to hug us. We quickly headed inside, where we found everyone in the room standing and singing, following lyrics that were being projected on the wall. The lyrics were (and I am completely serious about this):

GOD IS GOOD
I LOVE GOD
HE LOVES ME

They sang it once, and I figured Oh, we must have just caught the end of an epic gospel song. No. We caught the beginning of a mindless chant that went on for what seemed like forever, the hundreds of people robotically repeating the same three lines. My parents and I sneaked past a few robots to some empty seats and waited quietly for the mind-numbing song to end.

When it was finally over, the pastor pranced out all hopped up on morning coffee and Jesus love and wearing a kilt. After asking about how awesome God was, he paused.

"I bet you're wondering why I'm wearing this kilt," he said.

"Why?" chanted everyone.

"Well, friends, because God told me to. He came to me in a dream and said 'John, you should wear a kilt for tomorrow's sermon.' That's the amazing thing about God. He can come to you at the strangest times in the strangest ways."

"Oooooh," said the audience.

"That's bullshit," I mumbled to myself as my dad smacked my leg. I looked up at him, and a little louder said

"What? You know it's bullshit!"

This got a few people's attention, and got my mom to pretend like she didn't know me. I stood up, looked at everyone, and yelled

"You're all stupid, mindless sheep!" at the top of my lungs. I then walked out. A few minutes later, my parents came out. My dad was laughing hysterically, and my mom was trying to contain her laughter.

"What'd they say?" I asked.

"I think they think you're possessed or something," said my mom as she walked toward me.

"They want you to see a psychiatrist," said dad.

I cringed.

"Do I have to?"

My dad laughed as he patted me on the back and gave me a high-five.

"Fuck no!" he laughed, "Let's go get some ice cream."

"I hope this doesn't ruin your idea of religion," My mom said as we got in the car.

"Don't worry," I said, "it will."

And it did.

Conficker

I'm probably going to turn my computer off tonight just to be safe, though I doubt this Conficker worm will actually do much of anything. After all, it is April Fools' Day.

My dream is that tomorrow everyone in the world will wake up, turn their computers on and be Rick Rolled.

If only...

More likely, it'll just make computers act like idiots or just steal personal information, but a man can dream, can't he?

Shia LaBoof

This story may seem a bit cruel, but you must understand that my mother is as innocent as a 3 year old, and it's very difficult not to mess with her head for kicks sometimes.

When I was younger, I idolized Louis Stevens from that Disney show Even Stevens. I wanted to be exactly like him. Louis was of course played by Shia LaBeouf, who was just a kid at the time.

When I was about 13, my mom and I were looking through Blockbuster when she found The Battle of Shaker Heights, that Project Greenlight movie. She excitedly picked it up and showed it to me.

"Look, Eric," she said, "it's Shia-"

She paused and focused intensely on his last name.

"La... beef? Boof? Eric, how do you pronounce this?" she asked, pointing at his name.

"It's pronounced buff. LaBuff," I said, trying very hard to show how completely uninterested I was in the movie.

A few minutes later, we picked out a couple of movies and left. At home, my mom kept pronouncing his name under her breath.

"It's La-Buff, right?"

Then Eric got an idea.

Eric got an awful idea.

Eric got a wonderful, awful idea!

Knowing full well that she was pronouncing it correctly, I responded with

"No, mom, it's La-Buff."

"That's what I'm saying, isn't it?"

"Nope. You're saying La-Boof."

She looked at me a little confused.

"Am I?"

"Yep."

"La-Buff."

"No mom, it's pronounced La-Buff!"

After a few minutes of doing this back and forth, I had her completely convinced that she was hearing something different than what she was actually saying.

"This is so strange! I've never heard of this happening. I mean I swear I'm saying it differently than your hearing it!" She began to look concerned.

"You mean in your 30 years working in the Intensive Care Unit, you never saw a case of this? I read about it on the internet a while ago, but I wasn't sure if it was real."

"Are you sure it's me and not you? Maybe you're the one hearing it wrong. I'm saying LaBuff, I swear! But you're hearing La Boof!"

"Oh my God," I said in a false state of panic, "You mean I have the hearing disorder?"

My mom began to look extremely worried.

"Well don't worry, honey," she said, "we can probably get you on medication for it or something."

That's when I decided I was done.

"No I can't," I said as I got up, "You were saying his name correctly the whole time, and I can hear just fine. I just didn't want to do my homework. Thanks for wasting some time."

I then got grounded from video games for a few days. In my opinion, though, it was totally worth it.

A Bit of Wisdom

Just to explain this, I write down random stuff I hear or think of in notebooks so i don't forget. I found this in a notebook of mine from late last year and thought it was pretty funny. My good friend Chlesea talking about my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me after 3 years of dating:

There was something Chelsea had said about Judi that I have to write down so I don't forget -

It was something along the lines of

"When you are conditioned your entire life to know you're Christian and shouldn't do bad things, you become numb when you end up doing something bad"

To which my mother, in her infinite wisdom, said

"Maybe that's why Catholic schoolgirls are little sluts"

Threadless Design

Soon, you might just see that design up for critiquing on threadless.com. It's called "Scythe Man", and it's based on a sketch of mine which I also used for the Xygni IV album cover. If it's accepted, please tell me what you think by clicking on that thingy up there!

Think About This

The phrase "I need that like I need a hole in the head" would be given a whole new meaning if said by someone with epidural hematoma.

Some Completely Random Thoughts

- Peter Graves should do a movie where he plays a disembodied voice that goes on some adventure to find a diamond of great power. Because Peter Graves’ voice is so awesome that it requires no body to play a lead part in an action flick.

- I think a good name for a book would be “Old Ladies in A Car.” I don’t know what it would be about, though. I would have to think it would be about old ladies in a car, but that’s just too boring. That only works for the title.

- You know the book “Everybody Poops?” I want to write the parent’s companion to it: “Everybody Dreams of Throwing Their Kids in a Dumpster Sometimes.”

- I wanna write a science report called “The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-In-the-Moon Marigolds,” and see if anyone gets it.

- I think more people should consider the benefits of becoming a cyborg.

- I think they should make razors in the shapes of lawn mowers. It'd make shaving much more interesting.

- Everyone always wonders how someone discovered that you could milk a cow. What about the guy who discovered sex?

- Cesar Chavez sounds like a type of ranch dressing to me. Maybe with almond chunks in it... Also, Mahatma Gandhi sounds like a carpet store.

- I'm so glad not too many people wear yellow clothes.

The Twilight Years: A Guide to Being Old

Hello, and welcome to The Twilight Years: A Guide to Being Old. Here you will find helpful tips to help you through those last few decades of your life. So sit back, put your can down and enjoy!

AGE 70
Let's start with Age 70, which is the perfect time to blow off your job and move to Florida! This way, your children can't send you to a home, and you get the rest of your years to spend hanging around Disney World. A few tips when looking for a retirement community: Never move into anyplace with the word "Shady" in the name. Those places are usually filled with the scum of the old people community: Those guys who retire too early and waste their lives in the fast lane. Also avoid: "Shallow Acres," "Gator Farm," and especially "Happy Town." Any place named Happy Town is hiding something.

AGE 75
Age 75 would be a good age to begin complaining that "Things just aren't how they used to be." You've reached an age where it's socially acceptable to complain about every possible thing. Some examples would be: "This Coca-Cola just isn't what it used to be," or "This dirt just doesn't taste like it used to."

AGE 80
At Age 80, it's time to take your complaining straight to the man. Write letters to companies complaining about the quality of their products. I've composed an example letter to Arm & Hammer:
"Dear Mr. Hammer,
I would like to inform you that your product quality has greatly declined since when I was a boy. Why, just the other day I was eating a stick of your deodorant, and I noticed that it was damn near tasteless! Then I read the ingredients and saw you no longer put lead in your deodorant! What blasphemy is this? If you could please forward this message to the midgets that make your products, it would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Oldman Man"

AGE 85
85 is the perfect time to find a pet to distract you from the impending darkness closing in around you. However, you shouldn't pick just any pet. Try to pick something you think you can outlive, as this will be a large morale booster. Avoid parrots, turtles, and trees because those things just don't die. A good pet to have would be a hamster. Hamsters live for about two years, so you'll have no problem outliving it.

AGE 90
You may not notice it, but 90 is the age that society deems it acceptable for old people to do whatever they want (besides homicide and necrophilia.) This is mainly because people assume that you're too old to know what you're doing. Luckily, you have maintained sanity long enough to be very aware of what you're doing, which makes being old even more fun. Begin to do weird things just to mess with people. Go to the store naked, scream things like "Potatoes!," or hit people with your cane. All these examples should produce results similar to "What a sweet old man/woman," and they will have no negative results.

AGE 95
Age 95 may not be as fun for you, but it is very important. 95 is the opportune time to make peace with God, and make up for a lifetime of mocking and neglecting religion. Start attending church again, and you'll be guaranteed a spot in heaven. Plus you can still have fun by screaming "Potatoes!" during mass.

AGE 100
Sadly, you must prepare for death at Age 100, but at least you'll be prepared! Start by planning what you'll be buried in. A few options include coffins, churches, the Staten Island Dump, or a pyramid. If you choose a pyramid, you'll need to begin construction right away. Next, choose a really awesome way to die. Examples: Dying in a shootout with a mob boss, being assassinated by the government, or drowning in a vat of pudding. Although these scenarios are tough to set up, they will definitely be worth it. Heck, you might even get some airtime on the nightly news!

AGE 105
If you are able to make it to 105, it is a widely known fact that all caution can now be thrown to the wind. The government no longer stops you from killing people, because you're just too goddamn old to matter. So if you have any enemies, you can now dispose of them in public. Here are some fun games to play after hitting 105: Drive your car through a Wal-Mart and seeing how many people you hit. Fat people are worth double points! Or you can babble incoherently at complete strangers until one of them calls the police. 100 points per person that doesn't!

So there you go! You've finally made it through your twilight years! Have a nice afterlife.

5 Ways to Improve the Soundtrack to Watchmen

I loved Watchmen. The movie was the most faithful adaptation of anything I've ever seen, which hopefully will shut up the majority of people who have been complaining about accuracy in a movie they hadn't even seen yet. (Yes, that includes Alan Moore.) The biggest problem I had with the film was its soundtrack. The only song that really seemed to fit perfectly was "The Times They Are A-Changin'" during the opening. Other than that, most of the soundtrack was out of place and distracting. So I give you five ways I would improve it.

1. Get rid of "99 Luft Balloons". Never in my life have I heard people in a theater laugh at a song choice for a movie until that scene at the restaurant where that stupid song plays. Worst song choice ever.

2. Swap "The Sound of Silence" with something that doesn't have vocals. Dramatic scenes like that don't need Paul Simon singing about something completely irrelevant to what's going on. My suggestion: "Moonlight Sonata in C Sharp minor" by Beethoven.

Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"

3. I know "Hallelujah" is Leonard Cohen's song, but if you're going to put a version of that song over a ridiculously drawn-out sex scene, at lease make it John Cale's version. Leonard Cohen sounds too much like Barry White to me to be taken seriously during a sex scene. Also, the graphic novel ends with a quote from John Cale's "Sanities", so I think that would have fit better for a lot of reasons. Also also, The Velvet Underground is awesome.

Hallelujah - John Cale

4. Having My Chemical Romance cover a Bob Dylan song is like asking a ninth grade art stufent to repaint Starry Night. I honestly have no idea what they were thinking. They could have gotten anybody to cover "Desolation Row" and they picked a band that quite possibly has the least talent of any band currently recording. (Then again, Limp Bizkit recently said they were back together, so I might have to retract that statement if they ever produce a new album...) As for other songs that could have kicked off the end credits, I would have gone with something much darker, like The Smashing Pumpkins' "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning", which fit perfectly into the Watchmen previews.

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning - The Smashing Pumpkins

5. Switch Hendrix's version of "All Along the Watchtower" for Dylan's original version. Both versions are great, but Bob Dylan's version is much calmer and would be far less obtrusive. Jimi Hendrix's wailing guitar really got in the way of the mood as Rorschach and Nite Owl were getting out of their ship in Antarctica.

All Along the Watchtower - Bob Dylan

The 10 Stupidest Things Rush Limbaugh has Ever Said

10 laughably stupid quotes from Rush Limbaugh:

10. "There's no such thing as an implied contract."

9. "If the owl can't adapt to the superiority of humans, screw it"

8. "The Earth's eco-system is not fragile."

7. "The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get
a liquor store and practice robberies"

6. "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. ... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

5. "Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream."

4. “The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down”

3. "The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them."

2. "Why should Blacks be heard? They're twelve percent of the population.
Who the hell cares?"

1. "We're not sexists, we're chauvinists -- we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want."


And a bonus one that personally makes me almost as angry as the rest:

"Kurt Cobain was, ladies and gentleman, I just--he was a worthless shred of human debris..."

Why Coldplay Sucks

Andy Partridge of XTC said it best: "[Coldplay is] the musical equivalent of that corporate art you get in Holiday Inn foyers. A lot of orange stripes, over a bit of turquoise."

Listen to Clocks and Speed of Sound, and try and tell me with a straight face that they're different songs.

For that matter, listen to the drum track in 90% of their music. Then hum the piano riff from "Clocks." Isn't it funny how every song has the same tempo and the same basic drum beat? It's something like this:

Snare-Bass-Bass-Snare-Bass

-Bass-Snare-Bass. Repeat for three minutes.

Bands Colplay has ripped off:

The Creaky Boards

"Viva La Vida" sounds almost exactly like this indie band's "The Songs I Didn't Write."

This indie band posted a video on Youtube last summer, showing extreme similarities between the two songs. The thing is that The Creaky Boards wrote their song in early 2007, and first performed it at a show that Coldplay frontman Chris Martin attended.

Joe Satriani

"Viva La Vida" intro compared to Satriani's "If I Could Fly."


Early in December of last year, Joe Satriani sued Colplay, accusing them of stealing the melody of "Viva La Vida's" intro from him. So... seems like that song is the product of two artist's hard work, and neither of those artists are in Coldplay...


U2

Find me a single song by Coldplay that doesn't sound like it could have been written by Bono twenty years ago, and you get a cookie.


Radiohead

This is an actual quote from Chris Martin:

"I don't think we'd be anywhere if Radiohead didn't exist. I think we're like why Diet Coke was big. Because some people couldn't handle Coke. That's how I see Coldplay."

Not only did he admit what I've been saying all along (I've been saying Coldplay is like Radiohead for stupid people.), but he also compared his music to Diet Coke, a watered down version of a superior product that is bought by people who have grown accustomed to not having any flavor in their soda. Also, the artificial sweetener in Diet Coke contributes to cancer. Does Colplay cause cancer? Probably, but I can't prove that yet.

Jeff Buckley

Another quote from Chris Martin, about their song "Yellow":

"It's a blatant Jeff Buckley attempt. Not quite as good, that's what I think."

Not only did he admit to ripping off Jeff Buckley, but he admitted it wasn't as good as Jeff Buckley. Humble, or just stupid? You decide.

What the Hell?

Are they supposed to be hot? Beautiful? I don't get it. You can see girl-on-right's shoulder blades. That's not sexy at all.

It's a fucking miracle of science that girl-on-left's head stays balanced, since it's got almost nothing supporting it.

Looks like their bodies absorbed their hips and boobs for nourishment a while ago, too.

Seriously, they need to eat a fucking pizza or something. Blech.

30 Songs You've Never Heard by Artists You Have Heard

Here's songs you've probably never heard from pretty popular bands. Why haven't you heard them? I don't know. They're friggin' awesome, but most are the last track on the album or the only track that didn't get played on the radio or a track from the B-Side of an obscure rarity collection.

1. Big Ten Inch Record - Aerosmith
You'll like this one if you like more blues-y Aerosmith music.

2. A Single Second - AFI
Classic punk music, not the goth rock stuff of recent times. Like The Misfits? Try this song.

3. Top of the World - All-American Rejects
Far better than the All-American Rejects songs that recieve ridiculous amounts of radio play. Sounds like the All-American Rejects actually attempting to sound good rather than radio friendly.

4. Tomorrow Never Knows - The Beatles
John Lennon was embarrassed by this song due to it's spiritual connotations. Little did he know that he was on the verge of becoming the world's biggest hippie. Sounds like "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and a sitar having sex backwards.

5. Satan is My Motor - Cake
The already somewhat underground Cake had trouble getting this on the radio due to the title and the chorus. You may have seen it listed as "Motor." Sounds like the definition of alternative rock.

6. The WASP (Texas Radio and the Big Beat) - The Doors
Robby Kreiger's songs always got the spotlight, which is sad since Jim Morrison was a far better lyricist and poet. Sounds like awesome poetry set to bluesy music.

7. Psychopsilocybin - Incubus
Much like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Incubus was once a funk rock band before becoming Gods of alternative rock. Sounds like pre-Blood Sugar Sex Magik Red Hot Chili Peppers.

8. Let's Get it On - Jack Black
This cover of Marvin Gaye's hit can only be found on the soundtrack to the movie High Fidelity, which is a shame since it's awesome. Sounds like a more soulful version of the original, if that's even possible.

9. Cookie Jar - Jack Johnson
You'll like this if you like anything else by Jack Johnson. It's laid back and awesome.

10. Tom Cruise Crazy - Jonathan Coulton
Played Portal? Remember that awesome song at the end? That was Jonathan Coulton. This song sounds like hysterical awesomeness.

11. Angel with the Scabbed Wings - Marilyn Manson
This sounds a lot more like Skinny Puppy than other Marilyn Manson music. Except it has a discernible beat. So that's nice.

12. Washington is Next! - Megadeth
Constantly fighting with Kevin Federline and Axl Rose for the title of "World's Biggest Douchebag" isn't an easy job for Dave Mustaine, so do him a favor and check out this awesome track from the newest Megadeth album. It's reminiscent of classic 80s metal like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest.

13. Some Kinda Hate - The Misfits
I don't know why you haven't heard this song, but even if you don't like The Misfits particularly, you'll like this song if you're remotely interested in punk rock.

14. Burn - Nine Inch Nails
This song originally only appeared on the Natural Born Killers soundtrack, an Oliver Stone film that lots of crazy people love. The song's a bit heavier than mainstream Nine Inch Nails, but it's way better than anything you've probably heard.

15. And All That Could Have Been - Nine Inch Nails
You can find this song on the second disc of a live Nine Inch Nails album. In other words, you probably can't find this song. But it's friggin' incredible. Listen to it, and you'll be filled with all sorts of emotions.

16. Love Buzz - Nirvana
Why the hell haven't you checked out the pre-Nevermind Nirvana album, Bleach? It's great! Love Buzz has got one of the coolest bass riffs, too.

17. Swap Meet - Nirvana
Have you still not listened to Bleach? Go do it because every song on it is almost as awesome as "Swap Meet."

18. There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of it Yet - Panic! At the Disco
Don't write off Panic! At the Disco without hearing this song. It's like jazzy pop rock.

19. Man (Opposable Thumb) - The Presidents of the United States of America
Remember ""Peaches," that song about peaches? Well here's an equally catchy song by PUSA about thumbs.

20. Twig - The Preisdents of the United States of America
This one gets my approval for it's thoroughly awesome guitar throughout.

21. Quixoticelixer - Red Hot Chili Peppers
This bonus track from the special edition of Californication is quite possibly the most epic alt-rcok song ever.

22. Like the Angel - Rise Against
Since it was a single from their first album, which it seems no one bought, this really cool modern punk song seems to have gotten overlooked.

23. Stumbleine - The Smashing Pumpkins
This quiet little acoustic number from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness should definitely not be missed.

24. Asleep - The Smiths
Any hardcore Smiths fan probably has heard every track they've ever produced, but I'm guessing most haven't heard this one since it was only released on a few rarity collections. Check it out even if you don't like the Smiths, because it's amazing.

25. Under My Voodoo - Sublime
This song has kickass guitar. Enough said.

26. Roulette - System of a Down
If you're used to hearing stuff like "Bounce" or "Chop Suey" from System of a Down, this soft acoustic song may throw you off. That isn't to say you won't like it, though.

27. Swamp Song - Tool
Since you've probably heard "Stinkfist" a whole lot, you should check out this song from Tool's first full length album.

28. Ticks & Leeches - Tool
I'm going to make a bold statement and say that this song is one of the best drum songs on earth. It will make Neil Peart's head fall off. Maybe.

29. Saint Dominic's Preview - Van Morrison
This song is way better than "Brown Eyed Girl," which is probably the only song you've heard by Van Morrison. That's too bad, because he's way better than most people expect.

30. Pink Triangle - Weezer
A sweet and funny song about falling in love with a lesbian. Listen to it.

The Effects of Instruments on Women

In my years of playing various instruments, I have found that nearly all instruments have one thing in common: The power of de-pantsing women.

It's an incredible phenomenon that dates back all the way to that time Beethoven got laid by the Queen of England after performing Sonata for Piano Duet in D major. (I may or may not have made this up.)

In any case, this article, if you will, will document the de-pantsing power of various instruments. The scale will go from 1 to 10, 10 being an absolute guarantee of getting some, and 1 being a very small (but still very real) chance of de-pantsification. Each instrument will be given two scores, one for when the instrument is played solo, and one for when it is played in a band setting.

Through my own research of this phenomenon, I hope to help you all in your endless pursuit of "getting some." Let us begin with the obvious de-pantsifier:

THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR

Solo analysis -

The acoustic guitar is the instrument I have had the most experience with myself, and I have seen it's powers in copious amounts in various cases. When played solo, this is the closest guarantee to absolute de-pantsification. If you can sing well enough, it raises the chance of de-pantsing to almost dangerous levels of crazy, crazy sex. This instrument is not to be taken lightly, and should not be played without taking precautions. DO NOT play acoustic guitar in front of large groups of women. This HAS NOT been tested and will probably result in the crowd finding themselves attracted to inanimate objects or squirrels. However, when used with caution, the acoustic guitar is your best bet here.

Solo Score: 9

Band Analysis -

When playing an acoustic guitar in a full band, the potency of its effects decrease significantly due to the fact that the acoustic guitarist in a full band is often outshined by his electric counterpart and often branded by women in the crowd as "Probably gay" or "That Simon & Garfunkel guy." Let's face it. If you're in a rock band playing an acoustic guitar, no one can hear it anyway. However, your presence on the stage while holding an instrument in the correct fashion will still attract women, though my studies have shown the intelligence level of said women will be significantly less than that of the women attracted to a solo acoustic guitarist.

Full Band: 6


THE ELECTRIC GUITAR

Analysis -

The electric guitar has an exactly inverse effect of the acoustic guitar in that the scores for full band power and solo power are exactly flipped. This may be because women often find the electric guitar obtrusive when played solo. However, there is no denying the fact that every woman will want to love you longtime if you are the lead guitarist in a band. Again, proceed with caution when playing the electric guitar in a full band. An independent study has shown that playing lead guitar has an immediate (and often dangerous) bra-removal effect, followed after the show by uncontrollable levels of de-pantsification.

Solo score: 6
Full band score: 9


DRUMS

Solo analysis -

Just... Don't even bother. There's nothing attractive about a guy banging on the drums by himself. Do this, and it's likely the only banging you'll be doing. One variable that slightly increases the chance of de-pantsification is if the girl is into punk rock. Then, and only then should you play drums solo with about a 70 percent success rate.

Solo score: 2
But if she's into punk rock: 7

Band analysis -

The drummer keeps the beat, has high energy, and is usually pretty sociable. That is what comes to mind when a woman sees a drummer in a band, according to a study done at a college that really exists. While the drummer in a band is not often the first choice for a woman, he is not the last either. Drums have only mild de-pantsing powers, but they are amplified when in a band.

Full band score: 6


THE BASS GUITAR

Solo analysis -

The bass guitar is the ultimate backup instrument, and should only be played solo for the purpose of de-pantsification if you can really groove. I mean really groove. I'm talking Geddy Lee and Flea's horrible monster love child grooving. If levels of grooving that high can be achieved, the power of the bass guitar becomes much higher. If you're one of those bassists that just plays the same note through every song, there is no hope for you.

Solo score: 2
If you can groove: 7

Band analysis -

If you are the bassist in a band, let's face it, you have pretty much no talent and are just trying to get laid. Well you picked the wrong instrument, buddy. Bassists on stage have the least de-pantsification power of any band member, even if there's people on stage playing weird string instruments. You lose, and there's no way around it.

Full band score: 1


THE GRAND PIANO

Solo analysis -

Above all else, playing a grand piano shows sophistication. This not only means it has great de-pantsing powers, it also means the kind of women you have power over when playing grand piano are the kind you might actually want to have a conversation with. When ready for a serious relationship, the grand piano coupled with an acoustic guitar is the way to go.

Solo score: 8

Full band analysis -

There isn't much of a place in a rock band for a grand piano. However, studies show that when you do play with a rock band, the de-pantsifying powers are extremely similar to the results when played alone. You will attract women who may actually have brains. You can decide whether that sounds good or not.

Full band score: 7


THE KEYBOARD

Analysis -

When women think of a keyboardist, thoughts of a goggle-wearing, techno crazy nerd often come to mind. This is not a good starting point. There's nothing sexy or de-pantsing about keyboards.

Solo score: 1
Full band score: 1

THE HARMONICA

Analysis -

The harmonica puts out a message to women. That message is: "Look at me. Someone hurt me and I'm expressing my sadness by blowing into this metal thing." Many women will actually find the harmonica quite attractive. However, the de-pantsing powers of a harmonica decrease significantly when in a full band, because no one likes when the lead singer stops the whole song for a harmonica solo. (I'm looking at you, Steven Tyler!) Beware, though: Playing the harmonica solo may attract beatnick chicks or girls who are obsessed with Bob Dylan.

Solo score: 6
Full band score: 1

To end this article, I find it important to reveal to you, the reader, the coup de grace, the ace in the hole of de-panstifying instrument combos.

When playing solo, if you can sing, play acoustic guitar, and harmonica, there is absolutely no way the girl you're playing for will be able to keep her pants on. To increase success rates even further, write the song about her. If you can't write songs well, lie and say you wrote "Free Falling" for her. Then you just have to make sure she never hears that song anywhere else, which should be easy enough as long as she doesn't have a time machine.

This concludes my 4 years study of the de-pantsing effects of instruments on women. I'd like to thank everyone at the university for their time and effort.

-X

118 Movies Every Guy Should See Before They're 18

Being that I'm almost 18, I felt this would be a good list to do. If you're a guy, all these movies should be seen before you're 18. If you're past 18 and you haven't seen these movies, your childhood/teenage years weren't complete. Go see them now.

Comedy

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
A Shot in the Dark (1964)
Sleeper (1973)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Young Frankenstein (1975)
Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
The Jerk (1979)
Ghostbusters (1984)
Spaceballs (1987)
Coming to America (1988)
Groundhog Day (1993)
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Liar, Liar (1997)
Men in Black (1997)
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Dogma (1999)
High Fidelity (2000)
Meet the Parents (2000)
Dude, Where's My Car? (2001)
Zoolander (2001)
About a Boy (2002)
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Bruce Almighty (2003)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Superbad (2007)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Tropic Thunder (2008)

Drama

Rear Window (1954)
Vertigo (1958)
The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
The Graduate (1967)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1972)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
The Breakfast Club (1985)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Forrest Gump (1994)
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Se7en (1995)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
American Beauty (1999)
Fight Club (1999)
Donnie Darko (2001)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Memento (2001)
Catch Me if You Can (2002)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Big Fish (2003)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
Sin City (2005)
V for Vendetta (2005)
Children of Men (2006)
The Prestige (2006)
Stranger Than Fiction (2006)
Zodiac (2007)

Action/Adventure

From Russia With Love (1963)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Back to the Future (1985)
Die Hard (1988)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Jurassic Park (1993)
Independence Day (1996)
The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
The Matrix (1999)
The Bourne Identity (2002)
Spider-Man (2002)
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Hellboy (2004)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Batman Begins (2005)
300 (2006)
3:10 to Yuma (2007)
The Dark Knight (2008)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Iron Man (2008)

Horror/Thriller

The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1954)
Psycho (1960)
Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Jaws (1975)
Alien (1979)
The Shining (1980)
The Poltergeist (1982)
The Thing (1982)
Aliens (1986)
The Fly (1986)
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Red Eye (2005)

Sci-Fi

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
The War of the Worlds (1953)
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Planet of the Apes (1968)
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Brazil (1985)
Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Animation

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
The Lion King (1994)
Toy Story (1995)
Titan A.E. (2000)
Finding Nemo (2003)

Family

The Wizard of Oz (1939)
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

Literature Improved by Zombies

This whole thing about Seth Grahame-Smith's new novel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies really opens up a whole new literary medium: Literature improved by zombies. The possibilities are damn near endless and awesome. So, without further ado, I give you literature improved by zombies; a list of popular books that could easily be improved if only zombies were involved.

To Kill a Mockingbird, and Also Zombies
Wouldn't it be something if Atticus were to go outside to shoot a rabid dog only to find endless amounts of zombies feeding on the townspeople? Chaos ensues as Atticus attempts to make his way across the city to free Tom Robinson and escape from the zombies.

Zombie Fight Club
When a zombie virus infects the city, The Narrator and Tyler Durden create an underground zombie fight club in order to keep the zombie's tempers down. But when the number of zombies overwhelms them, they lose control of the club and have to kill them all!!!!

Brave New World Full of Zombies
Without knowing that all the Savages have become zombies, Bernard takes Lenina to a savage reservation, where they become trapped by the zombie horde.

Cyrano de Bergerac vs. the Zombies
A smitten young man with a giant nose goes off to fight Spanish zombies and win the heart of Roxanne.

About a Zombie
A 36 year old bachelor living off of royalties from his father's music befriends a young zombie who teaches him about growing up and eating brains.

Zombiehouse-Five
A World War II soldier becomes unstuck in time and gets stuck in a future where everyone but him is a zombie.

The Autobiography of Zombie X
Zombie X complains for 300 pages about the evils of the living, but it turns out that the living who did bad things to zombies are mostly long gone, and Zombie X is just upset because his childhood sucked.

The Zombie of Notre Dame
Quasimodo the zombie saves Esmerelda from being executed. Esmerelda falls in love with Quasimodo, and then he eats her brain.

Hello

My mother is a very innocent and gullible person. She's probably on the level of a three year old in those areas. As much as I love my mom, I sometimes can't pass up taking advantage of her gullible nature.

A few weeks ago, I was listening to "Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis. My mom walked in to the computer room that I was in to tell me she liked that song.

I turned to her and very seriously said "Did you know this song is about herpes?"

She didn't figure out it wasn't for quite some time.


I'm not entirely sure how one starts a blog, but that little story seemed like a decent way to do so.

My name is Eric.

Online I am Xygni.

Friends call me X.

I have a band called Xygni. I also have video games and a couch, as well as some other less important things.

This is my blog, and it will have things on it. Sometimes there will be stories. Sometimes there will be lists. Sometimes there will be nothing, since the reliability of one's internet connection can vary.